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Changes conti…..

No one seems to be paying too much attention to my blog over here.   And that is perfectly fine.  This is more my diary than anything else.  It seems I have so much going on right now.  Whew!

Since I started ‘changing’ back in November, my life has improved a hundred fold.  What has the biggest facilitator?  Does anyone really care?  And I don’t mean as far as I am concerned.  I mean in general…..

GOD

Making changes to oneself is great.  I’ve continued to use the make up.  Even returned to coloring my hair!  Because of the job, I have to wear khaki’s and collared shirts.  That’s fine.  I have no problem with that. 

The night God put the opportunity in front of me (for about the tenth time) to make my heart right with someone I wronged five (yes, five) years prior, and I finally took it, was the night it all changed. 

The weight was lifted off my heart that allowed me to return to God and my Church.  The blessings have poured out on me.  But mainly because HE welcomed me home.  Am I evangelizing?  I don’t think so.  I’m not worthy.  Am I giving a testimonial?  Maybe.  But again, not because I am worthy.  I have A LOT to improve upon.  I have to be more steadfast in my prayers.  Faith, however, has never been an issue with me.  I have always known God has been there for me.  It’s just been me who hasn’t been there.

HE provided me with the job I have.  I prayed.  I asked for it to be his will.  I asked him to be with the people who ‘held’ my life in their Earthly hands.  I knew if it wasn’t his will, then it wouldn’t be.  I think I told him I’d leave him alone if I got the job.  I’d quit praying to get it.  I lied.  Sorta.  I don’t ask him for the job.  Now, I bug him to allow me to be a step above and beyond so that people may see that I mean what I say, and say what I mean.  I want to emulate people of character and honesty.  I know my first customer does.  😉  And she was a God send to me, too.

And the changes continue.  I have felt financial relief thanks to God and his blessings.  Lauren’s last day of school is this Friday, February 25.  All with God’s blessing, you understand.  The next step for us will be with him guiding me, too.  Even simple matters.

The next step that I am taking is probably going to be the riskiest.  While it is about ‘me’, it’s nothing I can do without Him.  Simply put, I have a goal:  August 26.  Happy 46th birthday and the rest of my Earthly life to me.  That’s all I can say about that at this time.  But the changes continue…..

“You Called Me What?”

In the past few days, I’ve been referred to as a ‘bitch’ and a ‘fake’.  Not directly to my face, you understand.  Society doesn’t play face to face any more.  We just do it on FB (facebook). 

As I previously posted, I have ‘allowed’ someone I called a friend to always have the upper hand.  That’s my passive/aggressive personality coming out.  But I’ve figured it’s better to pick and choose the battles because they aren’t worth fighting.  But now I’m having issues thinking I am and have done something wrong!  I have never ‘jabbed’ her about losing her job or anything.  And she says I keep doing that.  Simply because I made a comment to her that I do understand what she’s going through and where she is.  I was fired (there is a difference between being fired and cut backs.  But the brain translates it all the same-LOSS)  And I understand that.

I have been ‘jabbed’ for my lust for Vera Bradley goodies.  “They’re ugly”.  Okay.  That’s fine.  It’s your opinion.  Frankly, I think Ed Hardy is ugly.  But if you want to carry that, so be it.  Who am I to be snippy over the style/brand of purse you want to carry?  I don’t care!

I have been criticized for the amount of money I spent on ‘crap’.  But I pay my bills, I don’t owe every body this side of the Mississippi River, and, again, I don’t criticize you for your waste.  You’re a big girl.  You make your bills and what you have is your business!  I don’t care! 

But the way the last three weeks has transpired, I’m beginning to think there’s something wrong with me!  I have a couple of friends I have talked to.  And I have asked for brutal honesty!  If I’m missing something, I need to know!  Because if I’m wrong, I want to correct it and LEARN!

Yesterday, I was called discerning.  Ms. Big Words here (me-I usually know what a good word means!) didn’t know what that meant so I didn’t understand the application.  It had to be explained to me.  I actually Google’d it!  Thank goodness for smart phones!  lol

As taken from Wikipedia:  “Discernment is a term used to describe the activity of determining the value of a certain subject or event.  Typically, it is used to describe the activity of going past the mere perception of something, to making detailed judgements about that thing.  As a virtue, a discerning individual is considered to possess wisdom and be of good judgement: especially so with regard to subject matter often overlooked by others”

Wow.  IMO, to be called discerning is a high compliment!  After I got to looking into the definition, I knew I had in fact heard that word before.  In terms such as “…a discerning customer”, stuff like that.  I’ve also thought it was a word that was used in the upper echelon, “The Establishment”.  Boy, I was wrong.  They’re the least discerning!  By commoner terms, anyway.

**Pause**  I have picked this up five days after I began writing.

It is true I try to go past the ‘cover’ to ‘read the book’.  I do try to find the good in the bad.  I’m not sure about the wisdom part.  So I guess I’ll take it as a compliment which helps me to feel better than I’m not loco

My friend and I have also somewhat settled our rift.  I’ve have told her with the utmost honesty I have NEVER called her out on a stupid Facebook status.  Once she ‘accepted’ what I said, it went right where it always does:  Back to her.  It was about how bad her weekend was and how she was tired of everyone trying to tell her what to do.  When I heard her story, all I heard was that people are concerned about her welfare.  Apparently, we’re damned if we do or damned if we don’t.

Get Over It

I wonder what the criteria is to have a friend or to be a friend?  Apparently, my idea is skewed.  Since the shake up at Lowes, I feel that I can not make a comment on FB about my Lowe’s life nor it’s impact on me, or how, IMO, people should treasure their jobs. 

We are about to lose Goodyear Tire and Rubber in this small town.  We’d all better be doing the best we can with what we have so as not to be the next one to go.

I posted on FB last night ‘why would someone bite the hand that feeds them’?  It got twisted into the G/Y thing and that wasn’t what it was about.  Now it’s gotten twisted by someone who lost their job at Lowe’s during our restructuring claiming they’re tired of people talking about how they have moved on and how ‘friends’ are talking shit. It’s being directed at me because I stirred up the pot again last night.  Well, I can’t grow up and move on for you.  I had to do that on my own.  In time you have to as well. 

I treasure positive energy in my life.  Not negative that burns my brain.  I have been ridiculed by this same person for losing more weight then she back when we did WW.  Of course, according to her, it was at the comments of other people.  But I know.  I knew then.  The ironic thing is that I posted about it back on Spaces and I actually found it when I merged with Word Press!  Back then, I ignored it.  I swept it under the rug.

We had a funeral to back in January.  Being Catholic, I am accustomed to kneeling when I pray (in a chapel style gathering).  I commented I needed my kneeling board.  I was told to ‘Get over it’.  Well, babe, it’s your turn.  GET OVER IT.   You keep saying you’re ‘so over it’.  Well then act like it.

If there is one thing I have done in the last four months that has brightened my life is that I have renewed my relationship with God.  It has been an absolute blessing.  And negativity, especially about my religion, even if you’re joking, will earn you absolutely zilch in the kudo’s department.  I’m not saying my way is the only way.  What I’m saying is that if you can’t respect other people and who they are and what they do, that’s no friend. 

I treasure my friends.  What I treasure most are people I can talk to and disagree with if need to.  That doesn’t make one right or the other one wrong.  That makes them friends!  And I treasure opinions.  But in return, the tradeoff is to be able to have one, too, and respect that we are different. 

As usual, this is a rant and rave I suppose.  Sadly enough, ‘losing’ this friend doesn’t sadden me.  It enlightens me.  I knew it would happen.  I didn’t think it would be through jealousy.  There ya go…..

Starting Over

My life is so blessed.  As a result, I have decided to reinvent my daily ‘posting’ situation.  Therefore, I am no longer going to use Facebook.  I posted that it is a cancer that sucks the life out of you.  Not because of social networking.  That’s a part of life.  And I understand people have to vent and air their feelings.  But do people not understand that when you put everything negative in their lives for the whole world to read, it spreads?  Just like an incurable cancer or disease?  My life is so much more than that. 

I have moved over to Word Press for more ‘civilized’ conversation:  That conversation where I can be me.  Without feeling like I’m walking on eggshells.  When I had a blog prior to FB, I did not collect friends.  Honestly, most of my closest friends did not even know I had the blog.  It’s easier for me to ‘let’ someone read my thoughts whom I don’t know compared to someone who I do.  Because sometimes when I want to vent, it’s not about anything in particular.  It’s to get it off my chest and be done with it.  But on FB, it’s so out there, even if you’re set to private.  I have found myself sidestepping because I don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings.  I don’t want to hurt anyone now!  But sonofagun!  If I have to worry about someone hiding behind a computer screen to throw dirt, I want no part of that in my life.

Therefore, I’m back to old school blogging.  If you have found your way here, it’s because I have left you a message on FB.  If you want to visit me, feel free to do so. 

I want to ‘write’.  I want to add receipes and photographs and stuff like that.  Like in ‘the old days’.  In the meantime, Be Blessed.  Every day is a blessing.  Be thankful for what you have.  Someone else may have a lot less.

S.~

Last night I told Kimmy I’d have new pictures posted this afternoon.  By the time I blog about it, it’ll be early evening.  Oh well…..

John Bord left me a comment a couple of days ago, referring to ‘photo trips’ as safaris.  Hmmm…..Hadn’t really thought about it like that.  So John, if you don’t mind, I’m going to begin referring to my excursions as safari’s.  In your honor, of course.  🙂

Yesterday, I left the house about 11AM.  Had a little bit of direction in my mind.  But not too much.  So I ended on the ‘wrong side of the tracks’.  As I have blogged before, for those of you who may have followed me from my other Spaces site, we have a little natural wonder here in NW Tennessee called Reelfoot Lake.  Generally, I photograph on the ‘right side’ of the lake aka the beaten path.  Yesterday, I went off to the ‘other side’.  It’s a reserve.  It’s just not like the main attraction.  But oh what attractions I found! 

I took “The Lens” and tripod.  I have to learn how to be fluent in using the tripod.  Sometimes it almost seems as bulky to me and as cumbersome as “The Lens”.  But I got some decent shots.  From turtles in the road, to Heron and bumblebees, I took almost four hundred pictures.  Part of which were eliminated upon uploading.  So click here for the new album.

On another note……One of the reasons for the delay in posting today was that I was watching Farrah’s Diary via the computer.  I forgot it was on this past Friday.  What a testament to strength, determination and love.  Definitely sheds a whole new perspective on how cancer ravishes one of everything.  Literally, everything.  My mind went to an ex boyfriend who died about three months ago after having been diagnosed last summer with stomach cancer.  And my mind went to a friend who is watching her husband suffer, and has dealt with his cancer, for two years, too.  Through it all, that friend simply says to me, when I ask how she is doing, “As long as Gerald is okay, I’m okay.”  And she smiles.  I have never seen her falter or her voice to crack.  Wow.

And finally, a friend is having to experience her own pain tomorrow.  Her Baby (dog) is having to be put to sleep tomorrow.  I am so sorry to you for that pain.  I understand.  And I don’t know if you’ve read Rainbow Bridge, but this is for you:

Rainbow Bridge

Just this side of heaven is a place called Rainbow Bridge.

When an animal dies that has been especially close to someone here, that pet goes to Rainbow Bridge. 
There are meadows and hills for all of our special friends so they can run and play together.
There is plenty of food, water and sunshine, and our friends are warm and comfortable.

All the animals who had been ill and old are restored to health and vigor;
Those who were hurt or maimed are made whole and strong again,
Just as we remember them in our dreams of days and times gone by.
The animals are happy and content, except for one small thing:
They each miss someone very special to them, who had to be left behind.

They all run and play together, but the day comes when one suddenly stops and looks into the distance.
His bright eyes are intent;
His eager body quivers.
Suddenly he begins to run from the group, flying over the green grass, his legs carrying him faster and faster.

You have been spotted and when you and your special friend finally meet,
You cling together in joyous reunion, never to be parted again.
The happy kisses rain upon your face;
Your hands again caress the beloved head, and you look once more into the trusting eyes of your pet,
So long gone from your life but never absent from your heart.

Then you cross Rainbow Bridge together…..

~~Author Unknown~~

I’ve been off the last two days.  The sun has also been shining!  That was a pleasant change.  Yesterday, I had errands that required my attention.  Today, I could have cleaned and junk like that, but NO.  I went photogging.  Actually, I went over to a nursery in a neighboring town to peruse the perennials and annuals.  Imagine to my surprise when I arrived a lake full and full of ducks, swans and geese!  I felt like I was in heaven.

I did have my camera with me.  **Yeah!**  I asked the nursery man if I could take do some photography and he graciously complied.  It’s nesting time, so I could not go inside the gate.  That was fine by me.  The owner said they have 60+ breeds in the lake.  They also sell them nationwide.  From the highway, you would have no clue this place was there.  As many times as I have been by it, I’ve never noticed. 

Between trips to dig up trees in fields, and running back and forth home, and finally taking a thirty minute nap, I managed to take quite a lot of pictures today.  I have uploaded them, but I do have to do some tweaking on a couple.  I can’t wait to post them!  Some only need my ‘signature’.  But there are a few that are a little underexposed so I will have to fix them. 

And ducks weren’t the only game in town.  I have birds and deer.  Wait until you see the deer!  I was walking down an abandoned road, wheat field on one side, corn field on the other.  And there were the deer.  I am going to have to learn to set up my tripod and put my butt in a chair and stay put!  I try to ‘go to’ the wildlife.  I need to learn to let it come to me!

I will be posting the new album here when it’s ready.

~*Ciao!*~

Last Friday’s rain amounts was unreal.  As I’ve already blogged, it rained and it rained and it rained some more.  It’s been some time since I have seen that much rain in one day. 

We had a lunch at the store provided by Lowe’s.  I was off work, but I thought I’d go up, have lunch, and pilfer around the garden center.  (I’m always in search of some new idea—I got a couple, too!)  There is a creek/drainage ditch that runs along side the store.  It is relatively deep, as it has been cleared and widened.  When I left about 2P, it appeared if someone were to spit in the creek, it would be out.  Sure enough, someone spit.

CJ was off work, too.  He was at the store, however, and ended up shuttling people from the store to their car, both customers and associates.  He also drove his truck through the water, cutting a path for smaller vehicles to get through behind him!  Wow.  Another missed photo opportunity.  I didn’t even think about taking pictures!  But someone did take a picture with a cell phone.  This is what it looked like:

WOW!

Man!  What a day!  It has rained, and rained, and rained some more.  I need an air boat to get into my backyard!  I thought I was going to get some planting done today.  I knew it was going to rain, but I didn’t realize it was going to be this much!  Somewhere down the line, I heard we had gotten over 5 inches in the past 24 hours. 

Come August, we won’t be able to get a drop. 

I got my computer back last week.  I am noticing my drafts and recently posted for Spaces have disappeared.  I knew I should have finished up those drafts and got them out there!  Oh well.

Work has been a challenge.  I miss CJ so darn much!  We, he and I, got a compliment from a customer this week.  But the kicker on it was the customer called him ‘my assistant’.  That is a big ROFLMAO!  The store manager got a kick out of that.  He said “I’m the store manager and I don’t have an assistant!”  Poor CJ.  And I told Mr.. Store Manager I want ‘my assistant’ back.  Oh well.  I have been on a two week slump.  Time to get my punching bag back out and go at it.

I am not doing well on my diet.  I’m okay at the fifty lost, but I have reached a plateau and can’t seem to get my head right.  I start over every week, every day.  But I can’t go backward.  So I keep plugging.

The sitter situation is wearing me out in the fact that when I close, I don’t go to bed before 11, and have to get up at 6 to get Lauren ready for school.  And last week, me and one of the sitters got into it because she accused me of taking away her hours and giving them to someone else.  I did not take her hours!  The state did!  She has made other comments to Carline that she should have stayed with the previous agency who provided care for Lauren.  Okay, go on is all I have to say.  They don’t have any more hours than the current one.  It’s not an agency or Susan situation.  It’s a state imposed ruling.

However…..every cloud does have a silver lining.  I am much more comfortable without someone here all the time.  I am realizing how I’ve missed my privacy.  That’s the good thing.  On the flip, I don’t have as much time to get out of the house to ‘photog’. 

Because of work, Lauren’s sitter situation, and having had a sinus infection, I missed the last three photography classes.  But I am not ‘throwing in the towel’ and ceasing my ‘photogging’.  As a matter of fact, I have added a sign across the back glass of my Equinox: 

”Be Prepared for Sudden Stops—Amateur Photographer on Board” 

Yeah, I did it.  I think it’s funny.  Someone behind me will be wondering ‘what the heck’.  But that’s the fun of it!

I didn’t make it to the last class this past Tuesday.  But I was sitting on the patio and captured a bird that is not native to NW Tennessee.  I have seen these fellows before.  But it’s been two, three years.  I have done some serious editing to this picture.  I had to crop it, add flash fill and lower the saturation.  I was shooting in Auto because an adjusted picture is better than missing it all together.

 
Rose-breasted Grosbeak

How I wish I could have had time to do a proper set up!  This bird is wonderful to watch and to hear.  His call is so sweet and gentle.  But when I caught a glimpse of a red flash, I knew I had to scamper inside to get the camera to get what I could get. 

I hope this finds you all well.  Be safe and happy.
~*Ciao!*~

Sunday Edition

Like that title?  I intended to make this entry Friday and put it in the category Friday Talk.  But I obviously didn’t make it.  I have been on some similiance of vacation this past week.  I was off Monday/Tuesday and Saturday/Sunday (today) by my regular schedule.  So I took Wednesday/Thursday/Friday as vacation days.  Have I accomplished anything?  I think I have.

The Hearing
I had the hearing via phone Thursday about the caregivers for Lauren.  I did not get what I would have preferred to have had, which was 24/7.  However, I was granted that for which I asked.  The DMRS (Department of Mental Retardation Services) said they would pay for 6 hours of care on school days and 12 hours of care on nonschool days. 

I wrote an appeal stating I was still under doctors care and had a 10# weight restriction.  I told them, however, I understood the situation they were in.  It’s all about the Budget.  I know that.  It’s not about the ‘human element’.  I went on to explain 6 hours were not enough on school days as there are days I do not get off work until 9.  Lauren’s sitter gets to the house at 2:30 to help her off the bus at 2:35 or so.  Six hours would mean 8:30.  So I had to have 7 hours on those days, no matter what.

My argument for nonschool days was that I needed someone here to get Lauren out of bed.  Someone also needed to be available to put her to bed.  Therefore, I requested minimally 14 hours for nonschool days.

The attorney who was presided over the case, questioned the fact it was only one hour or two hours per day that was the riff between myself and DMRS.  She told us to solve it between ourselves and dismissed herself from litigation.  All parties involved were respectful and very nice.

While they did question me on my work schedule, I continued to explain I have a four week rotation.  However, I can’t tell someone what days I will be working what hours.  They wanted to know if Lauren’s bedtime was nine why I needed anyone until 9:30.  Well **DUH**.  If I work until 9, someone needs to be here until I get home!

Long story short, I did get what I proposed. 

What I was never questioned about,  but I thought about, was who would get Lauren out of bed for school.  Well, that will be me.  I have no other choice.  No one will come to work for an hour and a half just to get her up and on the bus.  I have a support that I will have to wear to help me be safe. 

Desktop
The desktop is in the shop.  I have so much stuff on it that I had about 2% memory left!  I couldn’t even defrag because there was not enough space to do that.  That means I can’t post pictures, because I am not going to upload them to the laptop.  I’ll just wait until the desktop is upgraded.

Bathroom Remodel
Believe it or not, the bathroom remodel I began in January is finished.  Did I finish it?  No.  I hired it out.  I was tired of looking at it unfinished.  So I hired it out.  It is real nice and I am very proud of it.  I didn’t want Daddy to know what I had decided too do.  I figured he would fuss at me for spending money on something he and I could have done.  But he didn’t fuss.  Now it’s finished and I don’t have to worry about it any more. 

Wonder what project I’ll begin next????

Finally,
Work
Two weeks ago, my department was #22 in the COMPANY!  We have been rockin’ and rollin’!  We also made budget last month, the first time in probably eight or nine months.  That means we get a bonus!  WhOo HoO!  And this past week, CJ and I sold over $30,000 in sales.  That is HUGE! 

CJ has messed up a lot in the earlier part of his tenure.  But he has learned from his mistakes.  I have harped on him over and over on what to do.  And the last couple of weeks, he has shown tremendous growth.

Fast forward to yesterday…..I have learned the store manager called CJ into his office and told him he is moving him back to OPE Specialist, which is the position he held prior to Millwork.  OPE-Outdoor Power Equipment–Lawn Mowers, trimmers, chain saws, etc.  Mr. Manager told CJ it has nothing to do with his performance.  So then why do it?  "If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it!"  Mr. Manager is moving a guy from Commercial Sales to Millwork, and the current OPE Specialist is going to Commercial Sales. 

Problem?  Mr. Commercial Sales does NOTHING.  He says he can’t work but 7-4 and no weekends.  All specialist, with the exception of Commercial Sales Specialist, have a responsibility to work a corporate schedule which includes closing shifts and weekends.  I get one weekend off per month.  He only has to work one per month as a Commercial Sales Specialist.  He says he can’t.  Well, I can’t either.  And I’ll be DAMN if I close every frigging day and work every weekend so that he doesn’t have too. 

Second problem is that whenever anyone wants estimates for say, siding or roofing, he will not do it.  He sends the customer to Millwork.  Technically, Commercial Sales should take care of those areas because of thier expertise in building materials.  I don’t know who he’ll send them too now.  It better not be me!  I don’t even know if Mr. Commercial Sales knows how to set up for an estimate!  Much less to work a quote once the estimate is returned from the installer!  He knows his stuff, but he doesn’t want to do anything.  That is what has gotten this whole ball rolling anyway. 

Those of us who had chairs at our desks, lost them because Mr. Commercial Sales had multiple complaints against him because he wouldn’t get up and assist a customer.  This was back in January.  Mr. Store Manager said that was it.  Through the months, Mr. Store Manager has seen problems.  He has address them with Mr. Sales Manager.  (That’s another story.)  This past Friday we had Customer Appreciation cookout for our commercial business men.  Commercial Sales Specialist DID NOT CALL any of their accounts to tell them what we were doing!  Rumor has it Mr. Store Manager went ballistic!  Next thing I know, all these changes are taking place effective immediately.

I wonder if the point of this is to try and force Mr. Commercial Sales into quitting.  He is eligible to retire this year, but says he can’t afford to do so for another year.  Trust me, if you’re not ready to retire when your time comes, another year at Lowe’s is NOT going to make it any better.   

Because I have seen Mr. Commercial Sales not go out of his way to help customers (except those he knows), it concerns me he will do the same thing in Millwork.  Millwork has made budget!  We are on a roll.  We can not afford to have this change right now!  We need someone who will work!  We don’t need a body who will be bitching about everything.  CJ is going to talk to Mr. Store Manager today.  I want to talk to him, too.  But I don’t know if I wouldn’t harm my relationship.  And I think we have a relationship based on respect. 

Any department is only as good as the associates who work in it and want it to succeed.

I have discovered how to fix a ‘glitch’ in the computer system.  We all knew what was happening.  No one, including Mr. Store Manager, Mr. District Manager and a lateral with Mr. District, knew how it was happening.  I figured it out!  Yeah me!  All parties know, too, it is I who figured it out.  I have also submitted the finding and resolution to corporate.

Also, because I have a lot of newbies in the department who want to learn, I have spent a lot of time, effort and money (okay, not a lot of $) in preparing step-by-step instructions folders on ‘how-to’.  I didn’t do all that so that someone else could come into the department and push us back into the red.  We are in the black!

I guess that’s pretty much all I’ve got.  Wow.  Go for weeks without blogging, and now I blog a book! 

As I have said before, if you’ve made it this far, Thank You! 

Britian”s Got Talent

 We have American Idol.  We have America’s Got Talent.  But Britian has got something we don’t have.  First, it was Paul Potts.  Now it’s Susan Boyles.  As homey as they come.  A lady with dark, thick eyebrows who claims to have never been on a date, much less kissed.  But what a voice!  Here in America, it’s all about the look.  Of course, looking at the expressions on the faces of the audience, you can see what they are thinking.  It’s an ‘oh boy, here we go’ look. 

All I can say is that I hope you all can view this video.  I tried to embed the video, but it wouldn’t allow me too.  "I Dreamed a Dream" from Les Miserable.  I saw the production of Les Miz on Broadway in NYC.  I know these words by heart.  And this song is unbelieveable.  You go, SUSAN!  You rock!

Quote

Talking about YouTube – Susan Boyle – Singer – Britains Got Talent 2009 (With Lyrics)
47 Year old Susan Boyle wows the judges with her performance in the auditions for Britains Got Talent.

__________

Just in case you haven’t heard of Paul Potts, here is his BGT audition. 

 

I actually have a better video on another Spaces.com.  I’m too lazy at this point to go get it!  Ha ha